This question has been on my mind a lot lately and I think it’s connected to our fear. Acknowledging my own fear, and the broken ways of relating that have grown out of it creates a great foundation for change.
That’s because it humbles me and softens me toward myself. However, the impact will break down into more self-centered denial in the name of self-care, unless we choose to offer the same understanding to others.
Self-centered self-care encourages us to get rid of anyone who doesn’t build us up.
True self-care takes advantage of the negative that’s present in order to understand and care for our souls better. That’s what allows me to show up with others as the person I really want to be rather than letting my fear drive my interactions.
This week’s two words for a life-giving mindset are, “you too.”
Once I connect my own broken ways of relating with people to the reality that I’m afraid, I can do the same for you. I am afraid so I judge, blame, and punish you. You too! Your broken ways are driven by your fear too!
Do you know what that means??
It’s HUGE… We don’t have to take anything anyone does or says personally.
It’s not about us… it’s about what’s going on inside of them. We can tell ourselves a more accurate story with words like these:
“Of course you are behaving this way, you are afraid too. You’re afraid of your own limitations and your own failure; afraid I won’t accept you because you are not enough. Even when you try to do the right thing, so often it backfires. You might even be afraid to try again, or just tired of trying. I know these things are happening inside of you because you are a human being just like me. Your story is different, but you have a story. Your fears have grown out of different experiences than mine, but we both find ourselves driven by them, more often than not.”
The difference In the way I relate with someone is huge depending on what I believe about them. Is this person just a bad human who wants to get it wrong? Do they want to hurt me or others? If so, and we are in relationship, I may need to let them know that they are actually destroying their own soul. If those words come from a place of genuine humility and compassion, there is a chance the person might actually hear me!
On the other hand, If they are just a human being driven by fear, maybe compassion without words would be more helpful.
I love the way God invites me to relate with people in this verse of the Bible.
Admonish the unruly (those who are just being rebelliously mean and they know it) encourage the fainthearted, help the weak and BE PATIENT WITH ALL PEOPLE.
Even when boundaries are needed, or hard truth has to be spoken, it can be given with a soft and dignifying spirit. It can be kind. You can treat the person the exact way YOU as a person would want to be treated in that moment. What I love most about that Is the way it nurtures my own souls at the same time as it offers life to the other persons.
This week when you find yourself feeling offended, frustrated, or angry (in the little things)…
- Lean into the person creating those feelings.
- Look closely at your fellow human with a “me too” mindset.
- Notice and admit that you are scared and own the reality of the words, “you too.”
- Relate with this person as you would relate with anyone who is genuinely afraid.
It’s so much better to be afraid together (even if it’s not voiced) than to let fear drive either of us into greater aloneness. Fear is much more powerful in our own lives when we fail to have compassion for the fear we see in others.
This too offers us the kind of internal freedom we need in order to be the people we want to be. It’s easier to be mad and to blame and shame, but in that response, we may be forfeiting our own souls.
I’m reminded of the perspective James Baldwin (I Am Not Your Negro) offers about our past. What we are afraid of, can turn us into criminals.
Reach out for a free breakthrough coaching session and taste the internal freedom that’s available right NOW!
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Mentioned in this episode
If We Matter | Episode 40: Change is right here
James Baldwin | I Am Not Your Negro
Resources
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